Lately, I have been going over and over in my head the reasons I placed my child (since no recent update has come yet) I wondered what I could of been thinking, did I make the wrong decision, did I hear God’s voice and misinterpret it.?  It gets to you after a while… You wonder if you were gullible, if you were an idiot, if you cared enough, It kinda affects your whole life, when your not sure about such a big decision you made years ago. It’s not regret really, but an insecurity that you might regret this one day that fears you. (meaning me, in I’m sure not the same for all) I had forgotten what I based my reasoning on in favor of the adoption. It all happened so fast. I’d like to blame everyone else for the decision I made.  But actually, I was determined to do what I thought was best for my baby no matter what. I didn’t think back then about what I would want or how I’d feel in 3 years from the adoption. I thought about how she would feel, and that was it. That could be why I didn’t focus on requesting more info then or the agreement. She was my first concern,  and I KINDA THOUGHT THAT WAS THE WAY IT SHOULD BE, I mean thats what they all say when we do it. Right?  I guess it really is true, you don’t think about yourself at all during that time.  And that’s why someone has to be looking out for the mother too.  Someone that knows what to expect, what it will feel like in a few years (a birth mom!) only a birth mother can truly look after another birthmother’s best interest long term.   If we boggle down the birth mom with the extra weight of dealing with the legal aspects and dirty dealings of adoption, it kinda ruins the experience between her and her child. I say let the mother do it like she does now, just take the burden off of her, a little bit by watching out for her future too. She has every right to be consumed with her child right then and to establish with them (the baby) that what they are doing is right for them) If that makes since. I mean Ann and I had long talks about it before it happened. I told her alone that I’m sorry if this is wrong, but my gut says its for you sweetie.

So when I look back and remember the real reasons I placed her. Yes, I would do it again.

andwith the same family. You ask me now, and thats a different story, but then it as true. I forgot, it wasn’t the AP’s that I was choosing for her that mattered the most. It was what they could offer her that I couldn’t. Safety being the highest on the list.For me, what mattered was actually the opportunities and security she would have and also the fun, with children her age. I prayed over it many nights. When I stop thinking about myself, and remember how I used to think back then (when she was all that mattered and God’s will) He was clearly telling me that this family is what he planned all along. I couldn’t of given her the experiences, the fun that she really deserves.

I remember thinking how they are little for only a short time, and grow so fast, soon I will see her again. I just wanted her to soak up all she could of life, to have a carefree childhood. And even if the AP’s don’t like me, they do love her. Based on the update from a year ago, she had already done more things and been more places, than me… a 28 yr.. old woman. And she was adventurous and her mind was allowed to breathe and discover things like only a family like hers could afford. So I’m not any happier about it, but I am more at peace about it.  That is for, tonight at least! LOL 

I think watching the DVD they sent me of her a long time ago, really helped me remember she was safe.

You don’t have to like me! But you better love her to pieces!

I’ve believe that adoption agencies are not needed. They definitely should not be counselors for the girls. I’m all for adoption done right. I’m aware of horrible cases and wonderful cases. There is no point in condemning any practice or group of people. Our mission is to instead empower the birthmother to achieve equal standing as the AP’s when it comes to details of the adoption. I suggest AP’s help this cause because its much sweeter to have an honest adoption based on love. The agency tells p’S ONE THING AND BIRTH MOMS ANOTHER

Lord,

Your Word says that we are wonderfully made.

And that is so true of this one we are celebrating today!

SHE shines with Your light, lives in Your love, and shares your goodness with those around her.

I ask You to bless her on her special day and always.

Send her many reminders of how much she is loved.

Fill her heart with joy and her spirit with peace.

Thank you for creating her SHE is a gift to the world and to ME!

front of card said:

Once upon a time there was a little girl…

Inside said:

who grew up to be the sweetest princess and the whole world – YOU!

The words I wrote inside (semi-cheesy, but for a 2 yr old!):

Dear Ann,

 

I think about and pray for you everyday, all the time! Around your birth date, I always think about the first time I held you in my arms. I think about how I wish that you and I could be together, because I miss you so every day. But I remember how God was and is in control and I trust that all things were done for your good. When I first met your parents. I knew they would love you forever and give you the wonderful I’ve always hoped for you.

 

I never knew that a person could love anything this much! But that was until you, Ann! Even though it’s been a long time since I held you are heard your laughter senior smile, my love for you is still as strong as it was the first time I held you. I have loved you all my life, and, before you even got here! And I will never stop! No matter what happens in life, you always be the most important person in the world to me. I promise! I will be praying for you and the rest of your family for the rest of my life.

 

I have so many hopes and dreams for you! You are such an amazing and special little girl I know the Lord has many things in store for your future.  But you know what, Ann???  You don’t have to do anything amazing to have my love. I love you just the way you are and nothing will ever change that!

 

Now go have fun a lot of fun year being two! I can’t believe you’re such a big girl already! I am so proud of you and I heard that Dora the Explorer says so too!

 

Even though you can’t read yet I’m hoping that deep inside you, you know I am out here love you with all my heart. I thank God for you every day. You can’t imagine how much I love and miss you sweetie. Be good and please have fun

 

Love you  always,

 

So, I’ve sent 3 letters to the agency, since last time I mentioned this issue, and they forwarded them to the parents. Anyways, obviously this has been tearing me apart slowly over the past year. But I am hanging by a thread now I think, her birthday is next month and that may be the worst thing ever if I dont receive anything by then.  It is horrible not knowing how she is. The nightmares are bad, the regrets are bad, the trip anywhere outside is bad, just beause their are so many 3 year old everywhere I go it seems! I want her in my shopping cart too! And the moms with the kids don’t even seem to appreciate or notice them. I WOULD!

Not dramatic… I would seriously chop both my legs off if I could hold her for five minutes. It would be worth it. I would not stop smiling for at least 5 years, I’m sure!

I imagined I would get to see her around this time maybe, now here I am just fighting for a piece of paper about her. It’s good, I think, for the mission, that it is happening this way for me. We can see both sides of the good and bad procedures in adoption. And I love reading the good adoption stories. They give me hope in humanity in general.

From my agency:

I wanted to let you know we received your correspondence and have forwarded it to the adoptive family.  They should receive it in a few days.  Please let me know if I can help you in any other way.

 

Ive told them how they could help, but they just can’t do it legally I guess.

I wouldn’t want anyone to represent me, because I know how unique I think my situation is and all of ares is. But say if I just get the chance to even mention that we do exist over here, and we are different than they think… What would you want me to say? That we are nothing like lifetime portrays us? haha

Cause besides supporting life over abortion. The mission as other goals to, as you all know. (we have 3 main ones, and 7 subcategories) (supporting women psot adoption, informing women before an adoption, adoption reform (levels), making sure adopted kids know they are loved, etc..)

So let’s say I have a few minutes to mention us birth mother’s. What would you like them to know about you/us? I always say we are no cookie cutter version of one type person, but all very different. Yet we all understand the huge loss each other have inside and we come together because no one else really did for us. I doubt I’ll get to get everything out,in the time I have,  but what do you wish you could tell a roomful of people (imagine your child in the room) what would you wan to make sure you told them…

I loved my daughter before she was born and how much I love and miss her now. It’s a great story when it stops there, But then the truth about post adoption isn’t so uplifting! I’d give anything to see her today, I’d loose a leg for 1 hour with he, no lie! I didn’t place her because I was raped, but because I had no other choice. I want them to understand just HOW MUCH we truly love these children we have placed. I want to represent the love birth mothers truly have, that society, most adopted kids, & AP’s never hear. Maybe her AP’s will hear and contact me

Sorry my typing sucks cause I have a massive migraine right now!

Birth Mom Missions

I’m going to speak at the State Capital in Austin this Wednesday! They want me to tell my story. I’ve never really spoken in public before! LOL! Goal is to change part of the bill dealing with rape! Excited to get Birth Mom Missions name out too (how we are here for the woman who chooses life over abortion) Very Nervous! My daughter, has saved so many lives already, just by BEING HERE! Pray for me  

Abortion Sonogram Bill

www.texastribune.org

The abortion sonogram legislation that passed the Texas Senate, and could soon be considered by the House, requires a doctor to perform a sonogram on a woman at least two hours before she has an abortion.

Yesterday at 3:12pm · LikeUnlike · · View Feedback (36)Hide Feedback (36) · Share

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  Peggy Watson and 22 others like this.

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    Birth Mom Missions ‎- Brooke

    Yesterday at 3:13pm · LikeUnlike · 1 personLoading…

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    Linda Gale Good luck in speaking about your own experience.

    Yesterday at 3:20pm · LikeUnlike

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    Stephanie Nichole Pavey This is fantastic! So proud of you!! Good luck and lots of prayers your way! You are such a fantastic woman and mother!!

    Yesterday at 3:45pm · UnlikeLike · 1 personLoading…

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    Birth Mom Missions Thanks Linda! Coming from you, that means a lo)! Cause I know we don’t always agree all on every issue… but are friendship is more than that. U know why I feel the way I do, and you respect that. Thanks for caring -Brooke

    23 hours ago · LikeUnlike · 1 personLoading…

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    Melissa Washington You will do well!!!!!

    23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

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    Birth Mom Missions thanks melissa! luv u

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    Bridget Myer I will say a prayer for you. Good luck!

    23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

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    Linda Gale Thank you, Brooke. I was touched by what you wrote.

    We don’t have to agree on everything to be friends.

    I respect you standing up for what you believe in and caring about children.23 hours ago · LikeUnlike

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    Amy Gutgsell Gramelspacher Good luck. Can you please explain about the part dealing with rape?

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    Rachel Bernstein i dont think any one should be forced to hear a sonogram.

    17 hours ago · LikeUnlike

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    Birth Mom Missions

    sure, because I believe every human has a right to life. And since I was raped I can testify, that th eonly way I was healed from my rape, was because I got to give the gift of life later. I have a long story on my website, but I took a quo…te from our info tab on the page.

     

    “I started this mission as a way of honoring my daughter for who she is and everything she is teaching me about life. She was meant to exist because God had planned her from the beginning. Every pregnancy is a gift of life, no matter how unplanned it may be or if rape occurred. Her legacy will be much more than she was originally given credit for as “just a fetus.” I too struggled with the choice of abortion and luckily I overcame the alluring temptation, promoted by the abortion industry, of a quick fix. She deserved so much more than that. She deserved and is living that life now. This is for her.”See Moreabout an hour ago · LikeUnlike

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    Birth Mom Missions

    Rachel, I don’t think anyone should be “forced” to do a lot of things…. Such as kill their child, because it was the only “socially acceptable” thing they saw to do. It thought it would ruin my life too, then I realized, she was already a… part of me. Letting go of her then would have been 10 times worse than letting her go at the adoption. I didn’t believe she existed until the 7th month when I finally heard the heartbeat… If your gonna kill em you should know what you are doing first. Women kick ass, give em more credit…-brookeSee More

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(First part was written back in 06 about blogging…’)

So blogging turned out not to be so weird. Many “birthmoms” are encouraged too, more than I noticed before. The agency I went to now asks many to blog about their  experiences (after they edit them of course).  I have a bit of a sour opinion of my agency though, so I wouldn’t do anything to help promote their cause. I never name them though. 

Here is the thing I don’t understand….How can these birth mothers blog about how they TRULY feel. It’s impossible, I say. Even if anonymously written, to tell the truth would give away your identity without much thought required.  I know the adoptive parents don’t read my blog and I think I want l to keep it that way. I would feel too guilty to ever write honestly how I miss her. My agency, BTW, might have encouraged that thinking…they told us not to dry or sound sad when talking to the parents, because they can feel horrible gilt about it. (That was their last piece of post-adoption advice to me!) 

I sent in letter asking for updates. So everyday I wait for an update. I want to know if she is ok and see her smiling face. I wonder what she looks like know? Every time I get an update, she has changed SO MUCH! I bet her hair is long now, I wonder what color? Can she walk and talk well? How is her health? These thoughts go through my head every day, many times. It’s the time before bed that is the worst, how can a mom sleep with such little knowledge of her child’s health and heart?

I wasn’t clear enough at the beginning how many updates I wanted. I guess I didn’t know, and I was focused on the little task of labor first. I blame myself, I made the choice after all, these are the consequences I knew could happen.

My nightstand… (maybe a little much?) It’s only been a year

 

Updated:

Now I know now there are MANY birth moms that have blogs,  some have been blogging long before I ever did.  If you want to list your blog and are a “birthmom, first mom, whatever you like call it”  you can list it here, if ya want. I bought the domain for Birth Mom Missions, years ago, it’s probably about time we use it!

http://birthmomblogs.com/ (still working on the look don’t worry)

Just post your blog in the right category! “Baby Scoop Era” and “Perfect Open adoptions “allowed! We each had a different experience that’s for sure!

Love ya’ll

Maybe you should hurry too, because one day it might be a good idea to charge 5 bucks to join the site. I know alot of adoptive blogging pay for advertisement.  But we shouldn’t have to if we ever get a donation or I win the lottery and that will hopefully happen someday!  I don’t think it means we are doing very good, if still the only donation we have received is from my dad, and that was just to pay for the non-profit certification fee. Remember when we first started up, those old comments when people thought we were making money off exploiting adoption? haha. I will let you girls know if we ever get a donation though!

I think our “reviews”are our best donations though, the rest will come someday!”

Pray for us!

5% of people make things happen

10% of people watch things happen

85% say “What happened?”

Seriously, it was so helpful to blow of some steam of air my concerns this year more to you guys. you’ve been so supportive, I couldn’t really feel down cause I’d just think of someones encouraging sweet comment and I felt like I wasn;t alone. So if I can help do that fo you guys on your days like that, I want to!

First off It was also better this year cause I didn;t let others actions effect at all. I used to get upset if family forgot or example: this year I was counting down seconds before 7:34 pm to say happy bday again. (BTW, cool iphone app for free u can bow out the candles for real! Anyway, no one stuck around to hear it,  but I was just fine honoring her alone. In fact i think I more fine this way! I’m real about her and to God when it is just us. Anyway, catch me in 15 years (will I still be doing y same rituals? I wonder…:)

So encouraging news for those bmoms newer than I to this… but i could change my mind again tomorrow! I promised myself after she was three, If I still had no update, I would get serious (somehow more serious) about finding out my child and the things I deserve to know. So now, I have some work… cause the goal still is to hug her on her 4th bday. HAHA. Yes. Wishful thinking, but a lot of my wishes have come true to if I asked for the right reasons.

I hope all of you know I care so much about you too and your child. I love praying for each of you. So, if you want to simply write down your childs bday (u dont have to say name if dont want) but I will collect them and we wil have a little calendar to celebrate all our adopted out” (isn’t that a movie too?) children. If they ever ask if you thought about them on their bday, you can say yeah…and about 800 other women did too! Post the dates in comment box until I get the calendar set up. You can email it to me at info@birthmommissions.com or post it on birthmomblog.com. GOODNIGHT!